Draft Dodging

Drama. And the NFL Draft is exactly that. Drama. It's also when Mel Kiper's hair comes out from hibernation with his player rankings, draft boards, and mock drafts. The draft is one of my favorite events, I mean how can you not like the New York Stock Exchange of the NFL? It's also very twisted. Think about it, players are inspected, sloted and traded by their new "owners", and it's legal and televised! As we all know the draft is a crapshoot at best. It all depends on the situation of each team. Taking a page from Bill Simmon's playbook, I'm having a draft diary keeping track of the draft. So let's rock this bitch!

11:10 AM-The Draft officially starts and the Raiders are on the clock. They've pretty much had this pick locked up since September and they still don't have a clue as to what they want to do. Will they take the receiver to replace Randy Moss (who's better in theory than in practice and surely out of the door), or replace an inept quarterback corps that was sacked nearly 13 times as much as their 6 TD passes.

11:16 AM-I wonder why Brady Quinn has been campaigning so much for the first pick in the draft? Is it because he secretly knows he's not worthy and trying to cash in? Is it his competitive nature just wanting to be first? Or it might just be because he's got a bit of an ego.

11:20 AM-No surprise here, the Raiders pick LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell. Now it's time for one of my favorite moments: the awkward photo-op with the commish. What goes best with a $3,500 tailored suit? A $25 baseball cap and a tacky #1 jersey of the dreadful team that picked him.

11:23 AM-Now the Detroit Lions are on the clock. Will Matt Millen put down his "The NFL Draft: For Dummies" book long enough to pick his fifth wide receiver in six years in the first round? Even though it's sad, I love his ineptitude.

11:30 AM-The Savior for the Detroit Lions franchise is Calvin Johnson...another wide receiver (even though they have no one to throw to him).

11:32 AM-I love when players have their draft entourage. The only people missing are Ari and Turtle.


11:36 AM-Cleveland is now on the clock. A team where many of their first round picks since they came back into the league are either no longer with the team or out of the league.

11:38 AM-If I was a first round draft prospect I would pull a John Elway/Eli Manning and refuse to play if I was picked by the Cleveland Browns. I look terrible in orange and brown.

11:41 AM-The Browns pull a shocker and make the unpopular decision to go with the blue collar lineman Joe Thomas from Wisconsin over the sexy quarterback.

11:43 AM-I love Joe Thomas. He's missing the draft because he's on a fishing trip with his dad in Minnesota. I would've loved to see him take a picture with the commish in camo. But he did let a camera on his fishing boat so they could go to him when he got picked. Sell out.

11:47 AM-Part of me wants Brady Quinn to go to Tampa Bay. Actually, I want that blond sitting next to him to go to Tampa Bay.

11:54 AM-Bucs pick the defensive end from Clemson. I can't argue against a guy who's mama has a mullet.

12:00 PM-I always feel bad for the person who's name goes in this sentence, "And the Arizona Cardinals select..."

12:03 PM-The Cards take Levi Brown, a tackle from Penn State, with the fifth pick. I'm pretty upset that there hasn't been any major action in this draft. Everything seems to be going as planned.

12:10 PM-ESPN's top rated punter is Daniel Sepulveda from Baylor. I have a feeling that the Cards are gonna be doing a lot of punting this year. Hopefully, he's still around when they pick again at 38.

12:17 PM-The Redskins do the unthinkable...they pick a guy who's last name is Landry.

12:18 PM-I wonder how far Brady Quinn will fall. He almost seems like a steal for anyone right now. Pretty much the same thing I think goes for Adrian Peterson.

12:27 PM-I like the Tavaris Jackson for Minnesota they should take Peterson to give him some help.

12:28 PM-I CALLED IT! I CALLED IT! I'M RIGHT! GO ME!

12:31 PM-I have no idea what "a good feel for the game" is. If somebody could explain it to me that would be great.

12:38 PM-Big surprise. The Falcons coached by former Louisville coach Bobby Petrino passes up on his former player Amobi Okoye to grab Jamaal Anderson, a defensive end from Arkansas. I guess I can understand the reasoning behind this. Petrino probably wants a player whose impact will be felt sooner than Okoye. Remember, he's ONLY 19 so he won't hit his prime for around five or six years so they would've had to sign him long term and with things like that you never know.

12:42 PM-I hate this Under Armor commercial with Steve Spurrier. It wouldn't be so bad except for the way he says "click clack".

12:45 PM-This Miami pick is taking way too long. They should've been sprinting up to the front table to grab Brady Quinn, who's definitely an upgrade over Cleo Lemon.

12:52 PM-I just don't get this. Miami just picked Ted Ginn Jr. from Ohio St. They already have their prime wide receiver in Chris Chambers. I just don't understand this. The NFL Draft is so chock full of counter-intuitive logic it's rediculous. But I guess I understand the logic here too, who wants a franchise quarterback anyway?

12:59 PM-The big story now is how far Brady Quinn will fall. The only teams left in the first round that could use a quarterback are Kansas City (depending on if they figure out what they want to do with Trent Green) or Baltimore (Steve McNair can't play forever), but now that I think about it Brady Quinn falling to Chicago is completely possible and very interesting.

1:06 PM-The Texans take Okoye which is surprising because it's actually a good pick made by Houston. Who knew they had it in them?

1:17 PM-I really want USC WR Steve Smith to go to Carolina just so their starting WRs will be Steve Smith and Steve Smith.

1:18 PM-San Francisco takes Patrick Willis from Ole Miss which is a good, solid pick for them. I really see San Francisco as a threat to the hegemony of Seattle in the NFC West, and a big free agent pick-up away from being a playoff contender.

1:28 PM-Marshawn Lynch goes to Buffalo, and I know this kills my brother because he's a Green Bay fan and had his heart set on Lynch. But if I was Lynch I wouldn't like having to go to Buffalo. It's cold.

1:31 PM-SOMEONE MAKE A TRADE PLEASE! I'M DYING OVER HERE!

1:40 PM-The Rams pick a DE Adam Carriker from Nebraska and my fellow colleague is very upset that they passed on the Golden Boy from the Golden Domers, Brady Quinn. But I think it's a solid pick because they needed defense, and I like defense.

1:44 PM-We might have some action here (NFL Draft...feel the excitement!), Carolina switched picks with the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. Carolina gets New York's first round, second round, and fifth round picks and giving NY their first rounder and a fifth rounder. Pretty good deal. I love draft day trades. It's the only time of year where numbers this pointless matter.

1:53 PM-Uncle, Uncle Revis! The Jets gave way to much up for that pick in my opinion giving up almost a king's ransom for Darrell Revis, a CB from Pitt. But recent draft history of the Jets is pretty solid so we'll wait and see. I just still think they gave up to much for a player like Revis, but they traded for him which is what I wanted so I guess I can't complain.

1:59 PM-Great pick by the Pittsburgh Steelers, I thought it was gonna be Pusluszny from Penn State but in taking Timmons from FSU they still fill the same need. Also, the fastest pick of the draft so far just goes to show what kind of organization they're running out there in Pittsburgh.

2:13 PM-The Packers take Justin Harrell at DT from Tennessee. This pick makes some sense but I was almost certain that they were going to go with Branch the DT from Michigan. For once, I actually agree with the ESPN draft guys (except Steve Young, the greatest Mormon athlete of all time, was livid) and think that this was a decent pick because the Packer defense was terrible.

2:21 PM-I'm not sure about Brady Quinn's arm strength but the Jags definitely need a strong armed QB to go with their big, strong, and fast WRs.

2:23 PM-There's some great hair on the guys on the ESPN set with Mort and Kiper. Jonathan is loving this right now.


2:24 PM-Denver got a hold of the 17th pick from the Jags for their first, third, and sixth round picks.

2:27 PM-This wasn't really a pressing need for Denver at defensive line because they have a pretty good defense up there in the mountains, but Jarvis Moss is a Florida guy and they're always a little off. I really hate Florida.

2:35 PM-The Cincinnati Bengals take Michigan CB Leon Hall with their pick. The Cincinnati Police Department has been notified.

2:49 PM-The Titans go to Micheal Griffin (Safety from Texas) which I think is an okay pick but I really think that they should have gone with a wide receiver to help out Vince Young since Bennent left. That Madden Curse works in mysterious ways.

2:55 PM-I really think that the NY Giants should get Joe Staley, the OT from Central Michigan. They need some line help especially since Luke Petitgout went to Tampa and they need to protect Eli's blind side. You can never have too many good linemen.

2:58 PM-NY Giants pick Aaron Ross, CB from Texas, which does help out a bad situation in the Giant secondary since Ross won the award for best college defensive back last year.

3:04 PM-The ninth defensive player in a row goes to Jacksonville when they picked Florida safety Reggie Nelson. Not much to say about that. Good pick. Not exciting.

3:16 PM-Wow...somehow Cleveland moved to take Dallas' pick at 22. As soon as that happened everyone and their mother knew that they were going to take Brady Quinn. I don't know what they gave up for that pick but with Quinn and Joe Thomas. Some would say this has been a pretty good first round for Cleveland.



3:22 PM-I'm just really surprised that Cleveland didn't have to give up the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for that trade.

3:24 PM-I just can't get the image of a Suzy Colber with a new haircut. She has tremendous potential here and it's not being realized.

3:26 PM-Kansas City should definitely take a WR, like Bowe or Meachem, with their pick, mostly because in their playoff loss to the Colts, Chief WRs had 0 I repeat 0 catches.

3:33 PM-I CALLED IT! WHOOO! Personally, I love that pick.

3:48 PM-New England takes the safety from Miami (FL) Brandon Merriweather. I was kind of looking for a linebacker or maybe a WR here but it's the Patriots and it's hard to argue with a lot of moves that they make.

3:54 PM-Carolina uses the pick they got from the Jets to pick Jon Beason, a OLB from Miami. Decent pick but BORING.

4:02 PM-Dallas uses some wheeling and dealing to get Philly's first round pick. That's about all I'll say about that one.

4:08 PM-Dallas takes DE Anthony Spencer with the pick they got from Philly. He's a Boilermaker so if I were him I would seriously be worried about Joe Thomas coming to get me.

4:21 PM-The Saints take Robert Meachem the WR from Tennessee which makes sense since they lost Joe Horn and could use another WR with Colsten, but it's hard for me to get excited about New Orleans taking a receiver from Tennessee.

4:34 PM-The Niners use the pick that they got from the Pats to pick C. Mich OT Joe Staley. I love this pick. A former high school sprinter and a mountain of a man that showers in grain alcohol.

4:44 PM-The Ravens select Ben Grubbs, OG from Auburn, is a good fit for them. This kid on the left side with an older but still effective Jonathan Ogden looks like it could be an intimidating force.

4:57 PM-The Chargers, with their sexy new uniforms pick, LSU WR Craig Davis. Not that interesting...fills one of the true holes in the Chargers team, but I really want to see these new Charger uniforms.

5:06 PM-The NFC champion Bears find a lovely little gem at the 31 spot in Greg Olson, TE from Miami. What a lucky grab for the Chicago Bears.

5:11 PM-Mel Kiper just referred to a tight end that runs a 4.5 forty yard dash an athlete. Really Mel? That's the kind of insight ESPN is paying you for? How bout we just assume that if you're in the NFL Draft you're an athlete.

5:19 PM-With the last pick in the longest first round in recorded history the Colts take OSU WR Anthony Gonzalez. He's a receiver that always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. I love this pick because he's replacing Brandon Stoakley who was hurt last year and recently left the team in free agency.

Well, that does it for the first round but this draft of epic proportions has worn me out. Be back next year.

Lak Attack